If ever I needed a reminder of the good cause I'm raising money for I got one today. The trip to the consultant with dad. Once someone tells you "it's inevitable that the tumor will become resistant to the treatment" it's pretty much impossible not to have one or two difficult thoughts before each visit. The good news, it's still responding. After a brief rise in PSA levels they have gone back down again and are still within reasonable bounds. TL:DR the drugs are still working.
Amongst all that - the hardest part is knowing that my father, the invincible larger than life figure of my childhood, is afraid. And is bottling it all up. I guess this feeling sums up what cancer means to me. The wave of despair that comes from time to time which has to be endured and transformed into a re-appreciation of what's important in life. When the wave is at its peak it's hard to remember that it will be followed by a new determination to make every moment count. Right now it just feels like I'm about to drown in it.
It reminds me of something my uncle said to me once. He said that modern medical science was a curse because it allows us to keep people alive long past the point it serves any useful purpose. Our "morality" means we keep people suffering longer than we should because we're afraid to say goodbye while something remains of the person they once were.
Tomorrow, I'll shake this feeling off and concentrate on living again.
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